A new beginning ~

I have a disease.  Yes, you read that right…a disease.  Earlier this year I was diagnosed with a disease of the eyes called Central Serous Retinopathy.  Sounds scary, right? Well it is. Basically, it means that parts of my eye start leaking and form blisters on the retina.  It affects my vision with big gray circles over my vision and sometimes I can’t even tell who a person is until I get close to them.  Also, words can appear squiggly when I try to read. It comes and goes, but the doctors say that’s not a good sign.

Someone can get the blister and then it can go away to never come back.  If it doesn’t go away, surgery may be required to seal off the leak which causes a permanent vision loss where the leak was cauterized.  So, they wait and monitor and wait and monitor and wait…..it slowly gets better over several weeks or months (hopefully, which mine did).  Then we wait and monitor and wait and monitor and….ok, you get the picture….. and hope that it doesn’t come back. If the leak does come back (as mine did), that’s not a good sign.  The blisters can come and go over and over for about a 10 year period of time or so the research shows. If they do come and go and keep coming and going, a person can permanently lose their entire vision.  This is what has been happening to me. It more commonly occurs in one eye, however, some people get it in both eyes.

So, how does someone get this disease?  Well, it’s most commonly found in connection with two things….diabetes (which I have been tested for multiple times and do not have) and, wait for it….Type A personalities…ding, ding, ding!  Yep, that’s me!

According to the Wikipedia article Type A and Type B Personality Theory, “The theory describes Type A individuals as outgoing, ambitious, rigidly organized, highly status-conscious, sensitive, impatient, anxious, proactive, and concerned with time management.  People with Type A personalities are often high-achieving “workaholics”. They push themselves with deadlines, and hate both delays and ambivalence. People with Type A personalities experience more job-related stress and less job satisfaction.”

So, what does all of this have to do with a blog, anyway?  I promise I am getting to that. You see, I have been in the Real Estate industry for the past 8 years.  I co-owned a real estate company, and I was also the real estate coach for our large brokerage. That means that I was responsible for recruiting new agents just starting out in their new careers, setting up the training program and teaching the fundamentals of building a successful real estate business, and coaching them to create successful and sustainable businesses for themselves.  

There are many people who are very successful in this role as the productivity coach.  And, most would say I have been successful in this role as well. I have recruited a large number of new agents, successfully launched the most comprehensive training program for real estate brokers in our entire state, and helped our new agents earn money for themselves, their families and our brokerage.  So, what’s the problem?

The problem is me … my mindset, my type A personality.  Instead of focusing on my wins or successes, I was focused on my losses or failures.  Instead of seeing how many of my new agents were doing well, I incessantly worried about how to reach those who were not doing well; the ones who were not engaged, not showing up for classes, not caring about their coaching sessions.  Those are the ones who kept me up at night. I obsessed about how I could do things differently to reach them, to help them. I blamed myself for their lack of desire for learning, their lack of desire for taking action, their lack of results.  

“Instead of focusing on my wins or successes, I was focused on my losses or failures.”

You see, I’m a perfectionist.  I am driven beyond comprehension, and I tie my results to my self-image.  Actually, I tie others’ results to my self-image. I have taken bazillions of growth-minded courses, read countless books and articles, watched videos, Ted Talks, participated in many masterminds and accountability groups, traveled to conventions, so many in fact, that I truly do know that striving for perfection is an illusion, and that the level of my drive is a trap that will never allow me to feel fulfilled no matter the results I obtain.  I have forced so many impossible “rules” on myself. I know this, I know what the rules are, I know they are detrimental to my being (so much so that they are causing me physical health issues, my eye disease as well as others), and I have even learned many techniques to help combat them and reverse them. And yet, I am still being the same destructive way to myself.

I have recently realized just how much stress I was placing on myself with my role as our brokerage’s coach and with owning a real estate business, and for several months I just tried handling my stress differently and in healthier ways.  I continued in the same stressful roles all while my eye blister was healing and then coming back, over and over. I pushed myself to let things slide off my back. I changed things up in my program to allow me to focus on the positive, the agents who were engaged, showing up, appreciating my time and commitment to them, and who were successful as a result.  However, I still had a lot of work to do in regards to letting my perfectionist side go and to stop blaming myself for others’ own choices and, therefore, lack of results. I hold myself, and also others, to high standards. Very high standards. Probably unfair standards. So, that leads me to this blog (see I told you I had a point here!).

For some time now I have felt a calling to write.  I have prayed many times that God would lead me and guide me to where I should go.  Writing kept coming up for me. A blog, and maybe eventually books. And not just any blog or book.  Specifically, a blog that helps me and others to focus on the positive aspects of our days, the joys of our lives that we often miss because we are consumed with being perfect or striving for more, more and then more.  I believe that what you focus on, expands. Therefore, instead of focusing on making mistakes, or not having the results I want, I intend to focus on the many blessings, fun times, relationships, memories I am creating and receiving each and every day.  This way I will not only be focusing more on what makes me feel pure joy in my heart and soul; I will also be expanding that joy in each and every day. And, I invite you to join me.

One of the missions in my life is that I want to lead by example in positive ways, not in the negative, self-harming ways I was exhibiting before.  I desire to have an impact on the world in the ways in which God leads me. This means I need to have a positive impact on myself. I need to give myself some grace, compassion and care.  My children are watching and learning. I take that seriously.

Recently, I was at an amazing convention for coaches.  One of the lessons that impacted me the most, was something I want to embody.  They said, “Don’t try to be the best in the world, be the best for the world.” This blog will be my way of keeping myself in check.  Making sure I show up as the best me I can be; the best example for my kids. And, maybe, just maybe, this blog will help someone else who has placed too many impossible rules on themselves, help myself, my kids and others to be the best they can be for the world, help us to come together to focus on the positive.  Let’s focus on our blessings, our health, our relationships and fun times. Come with me on this journey as we learn to focus on all of these joy filled days.