Anxiety is a choice

This blog is from God. I know, I know, but let me explain.  This blog, or the idea of this blog, came from a calling on my life from God.  I was recently running two businesses with my business partner that were both taking a large toll on us.  They were mentally, emotionally and physically draining, with long hours being put in as well as very stressful.  The stress was starting to wreak havoc on my body.

I have learned in the past decade that God speaks to us all the time.  However, I also learned that most of us don’t listen, or pause long enough to hear Him.  I also learned in the past several years that because I am not taking the time to listen, He ends up getting my attention through my body.  I mean some pretty harsh wake up calls (like a cancer scare to get me out of my sugar addiction), because, well, that’s what it took for me to stop and pay attention.

About six months ago I received a diagnosis of a disease in my eye that is caused by stress.  I have talked about it on here a little already, so I won’t go into tons of details. I knew this was another wake up call from God.  I tried continuing on with my current lifestyle and just praying for it to get better. It would get better, then worse, then better, then worse, which is what the doctor doesn’t want to happen.  

I knew what I was going through was different than all the other times.  This was my biggest wake up call. The potential to lose my vision when I have young children to see grow up, graduations to experience, weddings and babies and grand babies, I want to travel the world with my husband and our kiddos.  I want to see God’s beautiful world He created. And, there was a chance that could be taken away from me if something didn’t change…if I didn’t change.

I realized some hard truths about my life.  I was finding myself more and more riddled with anxiety and so were those around me.  I don’t know if I was causing it for them or they were causing it for me; I believe it’s probably some combination of that.  I thought back to my dad who ended up in an addiction from trying to numb his anxiety. That addiction ended up taking his life.  He had told me he started suffering from severe anxiety after his mom died. Now, here I was 10 years after his passing that I discovered I had followed the same path.  I had developed anxiety slowly growing more and more after he died. My addiction was being driven to succeed (read higher leadership statuses and lots of money).

And, I used to think I didn’t get anxiety.  I didn’t realize what it was, that what I was feeling was anxiety.  I always believed it was a choice to be anxious or not. I still do believe that to an extent.  Let me explain before you want to come at me through your computer, yes I can feel you anxious souls out there screaming at me that no way would you ever choose this for yourself.  But, in a way I believe you are, I am, we all are.

This recent diagnosis of my eye disease shook me on the inside.  It may have been noticeable on the outside, as well, but I was hoping not.  I always prided myself on being the stoic, poised, non-emotional (which I referred to as “professional”) one on the outside.  I think those closest to me learned to read it on my face, but I tried keeping it all inside. Tried to hide it. But, God doesn’t work that way.

I started praying regularly, and I mean A LOT.  I was scared. This was not how I wanted my life to go.  I felt I hadn’t even experienced my life yet, because I was always waiting until I made enough money, and had successful enough businesses and had accomplished the right things.  I was always waiting to experience. It was never the right time. I had become hard and numb to the world through the seemingly endless waiting.

I asked God to help me understand, help me figure this out, and boy did He ever.  When I finally paused long enough to ask for His guidance and to listen, really listen I actually started to hear his guidance for me.  First it started as quick, seemingly random thoughts that popped into my head.  But then I kept getting the thoughts and they started coming with feeling attached to them, enough for me to take more notice.  So, then I prayed specifically about these thoughts and asked God if they were messages from Him. The thoughts kept persisting and became stronger.  I even researched about how to know if it was God speaking to you. Some of you may think I’m crazy, but for me it was hard to know if I was the one coming up with these ideas or if they were truly from the Lord Himself.  

After praying for awhile about the thoughts I was having and the feelings associated with them, I started just knowing.  It’s hard to put that into words, but I truly just knew God was guiding me.  It came with a sense of curiosity about where I was being led as well as some fear if I could handle it but also it came with some peace.  And that peace felt AMAZING. Not Amazing with a capital A, but ALL CAPS AMAZING! I can’t remember the last time, or ever, that I felt that peace feeling.  I think I have felt short-lived spurts of it when I worked on my garden plants (specifically, my tomato plants as I’ve always had a deep connection with tomatoes) as well as growing up when I would visit my grandma and grandpa’s house and my aunt and uncle’s farm.  

The peace I felt with feeling guidance from God enveloped me, and I knew it was what I wanted and truly needed in my life.  I started making changes in my life toward the messages I was receiving.  I’m sure you have guessed it by now, writing this blog was one of the directions God was leading me.  I had the thought years ago to start a blog, I even bought the website domain for it back then. But, I didn’t do anything with it.  Either it wasn’t the right time, or I was too busy trying to create my own path and not listening to my guidance. I think it was both.  I think it wasn’t the right time because I was trying to create my own path.  I needed to go through another season in my life that I was directing myself to finally get to the point where I was ready.  

Let me tell you, since I have started asking for God’s guidance and actually listening and taking steps every time He asks, the peace has stayed with me.  Now that I have tasted, smelled and touched this level of peace inside me, I have no desire to go back. I have every desire to continue to follow Him and how He wants to use me for His purpose.  

And, I’m not even afraid anymore.  I used to be so afraid of failing, of looking bad, of being imperfect.  I feared being vulnerable and being seen. I feared making mistakes, and trust me, I have made more than I will ever be able to count.  But this time, with this blog, I know that God is leading me. I know God is calling me to write these posts, these words. Everyday I won’t know exactly what He is going to want me to write next, but I assure you I will be asking Him.  And, I will be writing whatever He calls me to write. Therefore, I have total peace and I absolutely cannot fail. I am honoring Him.

I don’t know the impact this blog will have on myself or others, but I know He has a purpose with it, and I am along for the ride.  I am up for the challenge of hearing Him and writing the words He wants me to write. This blog is all from God. I could never do this on my own, nor do I want to.  Listening to Him, trusting and having faith in what I am being called to do and serving for His purpose are what is giving me the most peace I have ever felt in my life.  That’s how I know I’m finally walking His path for me. I hope I never veer off again.

Following Him and His purpose for me is a choice.  I realize when I try to direct my own life, my anxiety skyrockets.  When I turn to Him, and actually choose to follow His direction, the peace replaces the anxiety.  This is why I see anxiety as a choice. For me, anxiety is one of the ways I have learned God uses to steer me back to Him when I take a detour and lose my way, when I go my way, whether deliberate or not.  Health issues are another way He helps me get back to Him. There are many ways He can speak to us. I believe He steers everyone in many of these ways, too. Maybe he is causing these to happen in your life, also.  And, maybe it’s because he’s trying to steer you back to Him. Most likely that is the case.

The best part is that I have started noticing positive ways He is using to steer me or to help me acknowledge I am on the right path.  My husband and children have had positive responses to my lighter self. My husband, Jeremy, has also started realizing how He is being directed, and he has started making some changes toward a new path as well.  I can see a little peace starting to form on his face, too, and it makes me so happy to see. My mom has said things to me that I never thought I would hear, and I know it is God’s work for all of us. I see positive signs all around me, now.  I’m realizing even as I write this that God uses what we would associate as negative to steer us when we are off course. He uses positive signs to help us know when we are on the right course. If we pay attention.

So, it is your choice.  Do you like the anxiety?  I feel it’s a safe bet to say no.  Are you happy with your health wake up calls?  My guess is that’s also a no. Do you feel depressed, hopeless, or even worse, apathy?  I know feeling absolutely nothing is worse than feeling depressed because I’ve been there, in both areas, and I’ll take deep depression over apathy any day.  But, why settle for depression or anxiety? Why tolerate any of it, when it is truly our choice? I feel I must acknowledge that I do realize there may be some people who truly have these issues without any of their own control at all, but I don’t believe that is the case for the majority of the depressed or anxious people out there.  And, I know when you’re deep in it, it can feel impossible to get yourself out. But it isn’t impossible. God is the way out. He is trying to get your attention! He wants more for you and He is trying to help you back to Him. He his reaching out for you. All you have to do is reach back toward Him. I don’t meant one measly half-hearted prayer and then expecting an immediate life change.  I mean truly giving Him your entire self, your whole being, each and every day, all through the day. He knows your heart, so talk to Him and then Be Still and listen for any little thought or nudging that enters your mind. Then pray on those thoughts. If you feel He may be directing you, take a small step toward that direction and then ask Him again. Listen again, and feel. If you feel a positive feeling, take another small step.  If you don’t, keep praying to help you hear Him better.

Do. Not. Give. Up.  

Keep trying until you realize you are headed in the right direction, and then just keep going.  Keep asking Him and keep listening and responding. A new life can be yours if you want it. A new path, a new purpose.  But you have to want it for yourself despite what anyone else may say about it. Guess what? They only get to choose for their life.  No one can argue with you if it is truly what God is calling for you to do. You don’t choose their life, they don’t choose yours. You choose yours, but it is just that.  A choice. What choice will you make?